Tom Cruise falls apart while Khloe Kardashian goes womb shopping: Off the rack
STAR
Cover: Khloe Kardashian is kesperate for a kaby so she's planning to pay a surrogate half a killion dollars. Kim's pregnancy was a slap in the face for Khloe, who wants to have a baby because she just knows it will save her troubled marriage. (Spoiler alert: It totally will. Works every time).
This week in Lindsay's new job: Lindsay Lohan has started renting herself out as a ... erm ... companion for rich men. Her delightful dad is quoted as saying, Dina is pimping her out it's disgusting. Sounds like someone didn't get his cut. While I'm sure Lindsay is just paid to play chess and talk about cross stitching and square dancing, this is perhaps not the best career move for her.
This week in BFFs: Angelina hates George Clooney's girlfriend, so now she's become super-close with poor, sad Jen Aniston because of course she has.
US
Cover: That dude who was married to Kim Kardashian for three hours still insists on getting an annulment instead of a divorce because of Jesus or something, which means that he's Kim's emotional captor and she can't marry Kanye. BUT if Kim agrees to an annulment, the pre-nup and confidentiality clause would go down the drain and Kris could tell everyone everything. And we know how much the Kardashians value their privacy.
This week in new songs coming up: Taylor Swift broke up with her recent teen because of something that made her angry and then something else that made her sad. Also, probably, because the romance didn't quite get either of the parties any positive publicity despite orchestrated photo-ops of walks in the park. Time for a new PR team to dry the tears and find a boy more suitable.
NATIONAL ENQUIRER
Cover: Things are not going well for Tom Cruise. There's a new book out about how Scientology picked all of his wives and he's FALLING APART! But wait, not only! is Tom losing random body parts, his world is falling apart too. It's like some sci-fi thriller where humans, as well as their habitat, have become pieces of splintered debris, whirling aimlessly through space while grasping at memory fragments, trying to remake reality ... (enough. Remember what happened when you decided to take time off to write that romcom about a shape-shifting gecko-man? ed.)
This week in future Celebrity Rehab star: It's all with the weed and the ecstasy and the booze and the too-young groupies for a certain performer whose name may or may not rhyme with Crustin Frieber.
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